A Decade of changes

Do our origins determine the people we become, or do situations change us in ways we can never fathom? And at what point in life does the past become a stranger to us all?

I still remember the pigeons cooing, the sparrows chirping, an incredibly large tree- I still don’t know which species it is- all I remember is my Biology teacher pointing towards it and telling me about its genus and species. Some buildings have been torn down, others constructed to help my school come of age in an ever changing world.

As I walk through the 3^rd Eleven field, I can almost see myself 12 years ago- running down this field– I guess I wasn’t as fat then! Ajax walks down with his cane and shoos everyone to attend assembly and all I can think about at this time is if my shoes are shiny enough so that the prefect wouldn’t catch me. Or wait- my hair appears too long and I am going to get caught! And to beat it all i cant find my hymn book! At this point I’m sweating and palpitating. My uniform doesn’t look ironed enough and I don’t look smart enough! Oh wait! There’s the hymn book! I can muster some courage after all.

I sit here today in corporate attire seeing myself go through the motions- most of my teachers aren’t teaching at Cottons anymore. The lady who showed me how to write has moved to the Middle East. The lady who piqued my curiosity about History has now gone home to Kerala. There’s a strange silence around this place. A place oddly familiar- where the stories of the past do not meld into the continuity of the present.

Its 10 years since I graduated out of Cottons- 10 years of change. I cant seem to shake away that nagging feeling of being in an extremely unfamiliar place. True everyone says there’s no experience like going to a place you’ve known after a long time to see the changes you’ve had since then.

But heres the question- what do you do when you realise that a part of you does not live anymore? I walk through tower block and I remember my friends there- I feel nothing! I walk through the cafeteria and see myself standing in the queue for donuts. I feel nothing! One ought to feel a sense of nostalgia, or longing or atleast some contentment and satisfaction. All i see is a guy 10 years younger than me running around to eat Donuts... I guess thats where the similarity ends.

The rest of me, from ten years ago is a stranger to the present me - a strange sense of déjà vu combined with an out of body experience- Paradoxical, confusing, and a little scary.

Ten years ago I graduated from this place. Got an amazing education that I could never afford (Thanks mum and Dad!). its supposed to be my ten year anniversary, graduating with a decent score- all the while walking- Nec Detrorsum, Nec Sinistrorsum, but On Straight On.

Frome being a believer, I’ve become more cynical. Yet theres a part of me that wants to be the guy from ten years ago. Running through the field, scared, happy, contended, doubtful, playful.

I guess coming back here was good because I got to see the person I was. But there’s a large difference between that and the person I am now - too large a gap that perhaps can never be bridged.

Yet I walk on- Knowing that i have a part to play in this world-insignificant as it may be.

To Mrs Sneha Ramesh and Mrs Rema Pillai I say- Thank you. The parts of my life that you discovered for me, kept me happy through the years, and will continue to do so. Its a gift that Ican neither quantify nor substitute.